Each Child A Gift

Our youngest then was six years old when I found out I was pregnant with our third child. I must confess that I was not prepared for the news. Our eldest was a girl and youngest was a boy. Female and male. In my mind, our family was complete. I thought I was done with nightshifts, diapers and yayas. I was slender and active and the thought of growing big and slowing down was unwelcome. As a home schooling mom, it was rewarding to see our second child reading after years of teaching phonics. With a baby in my womb, it looks like my love affair with phonics was not over. I struggled to accept my circumstance but felt totally rebuked when I shared the news with my children.

I could still see the look of utter delight when they found out that a sibling was in the making. They wanted to broadcast the news to one and all. I confess I wanted them to delay the announcement and that’s when I realized, “Look at you. Even your children know better. They agree with God that children are a blessing!” In the Psalms it says, “Behold children are a gift from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is His reward.” I got convicted. Is this the way to treat a gift? Especially coming from One who knows and loves us best! Is this the way to respond to a reward? My children did know better. They were ecstatic and thankful and just itching to tell the world. As I spent some time praying, I realized that my thoughts were focused on my kingdom and not His – my plans, and not His. I asked God to forgive me for my selfishness, my anxious thoughts and for failing to trust in His bigger plan. I also apologized to the baby in my womb for the initial rejection I expressed.

It has been 10 years since that time and the Lord has, over and over again, shown me that indeed, our second daughter, Kathlyn Laura, is a gift – one to unfold and delight in. Let me share how this gift has been a tremendous blessing.

1              Her childlike insights reveal to us what God is like.

We noticed her compassion for the hurting each time she would watch a show on TV or on video and her tears would fall when a character would encounter disappointment or opposition. Even if the character was a villain!  Even at the age of three, she was already very sensitive to the moods of others. Once she asked me, “Why are you sad, Mom?” I was frustrated because I could not locate an important document. Then she sweetly offered, “I will get you happiness, ok?” Another time, I prayed for a 7 year old boy that was paralyzed and her response was, “I like to be Jerome’s friend.”  Recently, her younger brother misplaced his wallet in the cinema and was so upset with his loss then she quietly and generously offered him a bigger amount to replace what was lost. Compassionate One.

2              Her responses to God’s truth serve to confirm God’s leading.

Since Kathlyn began to read, one of the first books she read was her Children’s Bible. When she was done with that she asked if she could now read the bible with no pictures. I was hesitant at first but I remembered Jesus words, “Let the little children come to Me.” So I let her. As she read the book of Numbers, I heard her comment, “I don’t like the Israelites anymore. They are so annoying.” I found it amusing and convicting because I was struggling in the area of keeping a cheerful spirit in the midst of multiple inconvenient situations. Her comment tickled me and at the same time pierced me. God was displeased with a grumbling spirit and this was a gentle reminder to see things through His eyes and stay grateful.

3              She taught me once how to respond to God’s discipline.

We believe in loving and disciplining our children. There was one time that I needed to discipline her. After reminding her of the Lord’s example that He too disciplines those He loves, and as we shared a quiet embrace, she whispered, “Thank you, Mom for loving me.” Do I respond the same way when I experience God’s correction in my life?

4              God used her startling temperament to teach us to listen.

When our daughter could not get what she wanted, she would be difficult and very expressive. She was able to clearly express how she felt when she was distressed. “I don’t like my Mama. I want her to go to another house.” Some of her attacks would even rhyme, “I want you to meet a stranger and be in danger!”  I recall sharing with my daughter how her strong words hurt my feelings and she quickly replied, “But I want to hurt your feelings!” Now, where is all that coming from? As I researched about words, I realized that these were Kathlyn’s 3 year old way of saying something else. It was a symptom. The idea was to draw out the root cause. As I prayed and read, prayed and researched, I learned about effective ways of acknowledging how a child feels. How active listening and clarifying makes a big difference when your child is sharing with you. I understood that kids are learning how to express themselves and discovered practical ways to engage them in conversation to make a constructive connection. I began to apply what I learned with all four kids and experienced amazing results. I was learning to understand when Kathlyn felt neglected, overlooked or harassed and she found less and less reason to speak negatively. What once was a mess became a message. Soon I was sharing my discoveries to other parents and to larger audiences.

5              God uses her courageous attitude to strengthen us.

                One Sunday, I accompanied her to the restroom of a mall. She insisted that I leave her so I can get water to drink. I told her that I could not leave her alone in that place and she replied, “I am not alone. God is with me.” (She is one brave little lady.) But I explained to her that God would not want me to leave her in a place where she should be with an adult. Then she asked, “Why? Is God having a hard time taking care of us?” Such insight! It was also convicting for uncertain me who needs to be reminded that God is able. Gratefully, I was able to respond by reminding her that there are times the Lord assigns people to do His will, even if He does not need any of us.

                By the way, she was also the one who convinced me to face my fear and try out zip lining! Her boldness is contagious.  

             Recalling and sharing her stories, is my way of thanking God for our precious gift. And there are more stories to tell plus more to unfold!! May we all regard our children the way God does and have the pleasure of being blessed, over and over.

Heavenly Hugs

Motherhood has many joys such as magic moments when you make a warm and meaningful connection with your child, but there is a greater joy attached to this role---the countless times God shares a magic moment with me. These times I fondly call, “heavenly hugs”. It is when out of the blue, the ways and nature of God are magnified by my everyday experience as a mom.

One of the first heavenly hugs I received was when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Because everything was unfamiliar and I could not see what was happening inside of me, and I was firmly instructed to bed rest then, it was easy to get paranoid and entertain one fear after another. Then I remembered the lyrics of a song, “Even the darkness is light to Him, the night is as bright as the day…” Our Maker is able to handle whatever it is that is going on in the darkness of my womb. Lights are unnecessary in a womb factory, for the All-Seeing God can work wonders even in the dark. What my eyes cannot see, He can. What I cannot control, He can. That truth was a reassuring hug that gave me peace.

When our firstborn arrived, I recall that magic moment when I held her in my arms and felt such an overwhelming love for her. Instantly, I felt like a protective shield around her as I carried her close to me. It was a wave of emotion that subsided but was so quickly replaced and threatened by a tsunami of inadequacy! Can I really mother this child when I still feel like a child? Then a heavenly tug came to my rescue, pulling me out from the rising waters of uncertainty. “Take hold of the love you have for your child and multiply it by infinity. Felichi, I love your daughter more than you ever can.” That must have been one of the first group hugs Our Creator, my child and I shared.

In Tagalog, we call it “nangingilala”. The stage when a baby expresses disapproval when put in the hands of someone unfamiliar. From pleasant smiles to restless whimpers that quickly subside when the baby is returned to family. As I observed my daughters quiet ease in the hands of her dad, it mirrored to me the solution to my own restlessness. Another song goes, “Teach us to trust in You with all of our hearts; to lean not on our own understanding…” Stop taking things into my own hands and instead, choose to entrust them in the hands of Him who made me and knows me so well.

How about the everyday joy of simply watching your growing child eat, eat, eat? Similarly, our Father in heaven is pleased when we feed our spirit with the word of God. Just as we want our children to grow healthy, so does God want our Spirit to strengthen-- not only be willing, but able to overcome. That, for me, was an inspiring hug to pursue what pleases God.

 I am ever grateful to the Lord for all these heavenly hugs—times that have assured me of God’s constant, loving Presence in our journey as moms. Let me end with this poignant memory.

I remember the time my 3 year old son got separated from me in the grocery. Oh, how that boy cried, “MAMA!” As soon as I heard his cry, I knew it was my son. I immediately dropped what I was doing, and hastened to find our lost, distressed boy. I wanted to find him, calm him, and hold him, all at the same time. Soon we were reunited and it was such a big relief to us both. As we shared a comforting hug, the joy was doubled as I pictured our Great Shepherd, in all urgency, seeking and pursuing His lost sheep. He hears their cries. He longs to rescue them and will not stop til He brings them home. “As a mother comforts his child, so will I comfort you,” says the Lord. 

No Longer Outside the "Kulambo"

The “kulambo” is a mosquito net that prevents bites while one sleeps. It is a large net that is hung to encompass the entire bed. “Outside the kulambo” is a Taglish (combination of Tagalog and English) expression given to a man who has been banished by his wife from their bed. Usually this is because she is displeased with something he did. There is, however, a similar displacement of the man   when a baby is born into the family. Back when marital beds were not so wide, since newborns had to be breastfed, there would no longer be enough space for daddy. Naturally, he would have to move out of the net to sleep elsewhere. Initially, it may seem like a convenient response but it can get out of hand. There is an alarming tendency for this displacement to influence other areas where the husband or wife used to take priority.

I remember how my husband and I decided to postpone getting pregnant for a year or two so that we can adjust to each other as husband and wife. An older couple advised us to be students of one another first before taking care of another life, and as we look back, we are thankful for the wisdom of that. We gained much from waiting. We learned to adjust to each other’s schedules, had the luxury of travelling light, enjoyed each other without distractions, invested in building friendships with others as a couple, freely discussed issues without interruption and with no audience around. Those first two years reinforced our belief that after our relationship with God, the second most important relationship is with our spouse. We were able to make enough deposits in each other’s emotional bank accounts that will spare us from the full impact of withdrawals when the baby arrives.

True enough, when our firstborn arrived, we were quite overwhelmed by the change that brought. During a vacation, upon arrival at the venue, after the ingress of all our baby’s needs, a friend chuckled, “It’s a wonder how they are born with nothing…”  Suddenly a crib’s beside the master’s bed, a huge playpen takes the place of the center table, a stroller occupies the entire trunk, a bath tub eats up shower space, breastmilk fills up freezer space, and on and on. It is like an invasion. One seems to be left with no choice but to pay attention.

What you focus on, expands. That’s what happened. I got distracted with breastfeeding and attending to our daughter’s needs that my eyes were no longer on the Blesser but on the blessing. Like they say, when our vertical relationship wanes (God and me), our horizontal relationships (Me and others) get affected. And in this case, it impinged on my relationship with my husband. Our weekly dates dwindled, finding greater fulfillment with our firstborn. When we did go out, she was the topic. I would often let the baby sleep in between us when I could very well transfer her to her crib.  I recall how I would personally choose the wardrobe of the child, lay them out in advance and check if the baby bag was complete before an outing. I never offered to do those things for my husband thinking that he could take care of himself! So there were times when Mommy and baby were ready but Daddy was not. All these little choices put together was a potential threat to our relationship. It was eating away at God’s original intention for my husband and me to take priority. It was time to make a change. As I look back, I thank God for giving me a very patient husband. He never complained and simply let God’s Spirit bring me to my senses. God used circumstances around me to point out my distraction.

God used the separation and crises of a couple married for almost 40 years to warn me.  If I continue prioritizing my child, what will our marriage be like in the future? This couple became strangers to one another because they focused on raising their kids, instead of building their relationship. Now their children were all grown and gone. When our own nest is empty, will our hearts still be full? Am I making the deposits I should in our marriage that will make us look forward to growing old together?

God used a seminar called Blueprint of Marriage, to remind me of His priorities. The female speaker asked, “Who do you prioritize when you plan the menu? Your husband or you child?” “How often do you intercede for your husband? For your child?” Rebuked and repentant, I moved from being distracted to being directed. God’s direction for every wife is to put her husband first. And, I confidently include this, for every husband, to put the wife first. No longer “outside the kulambo” but together.

So what are practical ways by which we can live out God’s design for marriage?

Be alert. Take note of both major and minor requests made. When my husband asks me to attend to something, from planning an event to mending a shirt, I note it down and include it among my top “to do’s” for the day. The usual tendency is for me to tackle the urgent things, and postpone the once that matter to my spouse but at the end of the day, I feel lacking. However, when I give him priority, strangely, I feel accomplished, like I did what I was made to do.

Identify your spouse’s love language. Dr. Gary Chapman in his book, “Love Languages” identifies five ways a person experiences love. Some feel loved when they are served, some, when they receive gifts. Some appreciate being verbally affirmed, others, tenderly touched and others, when given quality time. I recall how my husband and I had a love language conflict during our early years because I was giving him gifts and affirming him when he was actually needy of my pampering and service. He, on the other hand, was serving me, when I was expecting him to bring me shopping!! We discovered through the years that love languages evolve and being aware of our spouse’s language, enables us to care more effectively.

A date a week. Make plans to spend time together, just you and your spouse. Agree not to discuss domestic concerns and just have a restful time having fun and enjoying each other. It helps to list down things you like doing together (and things you like doing apart or solo) so you can plan better. Or plan to ask each other discovery questions like: What do you enjoy most about your life right now? If you were invisible for a day, what would you do? What are three things you would like to do before your next birthday?


No serious discussions after nine. A writer once said that when you get married, you permanently complicate your life. Funny, but true. With so many complications, it will help if you get enough rest and enough sleep. Avoiding serious discussions after 9pm help us get better rest at night. There are exceptions at times, but this general rule has definitely helped us postpone some discussions and protect us from late night conflicts.


Attending Couple Seminars. Like the car, our relationship needs a tune up every now and then for better mileage. We decided to get involved in the couple’s community in our church. We have had the privilege to attend and to serve in yearly couple’s seminars that allow us to review God’s design for marriage. We also enjoy learning from other couples. If you can’t do this regularly, it would be good to have other couple friends, fellow travelers to encourage each other in the right way.

These are just some of the many ideas on how to nourish your marriage. And the key is to keep at it. I am still a work in progress and so is my husband. And we recognize that marriage needs nurturing. As they say, no pain, no gain. Staying married is definitely a greater challenge than getting married but with God’s guidance and enabling, we can look forward to a lasting marriage “ inside the kulambo”.