No Longer Outside the "Kulambo"

The “kulambo” is a mosquito net that prevents bites while one sleeps. It is a large net that is hung to encompass the entire bed. “Outside the kulambo” is a Taglish (combination of Tagalog and English) expression given to a man who has been banished by his wife from their bed. Usually this is because she is displeased with something he did. There is, however, a similar displacement of the man   when a baby is born into the family. Back when marital beds were not so wide, since newborns had to be breastfed, there would no longer be enough space for daddy. Naturally, he would have to move out of the net to sleep elsewhere. Initially, it may seem like a convenient response but it can get out of hand. There is an alarming tendency for this displacement to influence other areas where the husband or wife used to take priority.

I remember how my husband and I decided to postpone getting pregnant for a year or two so that we can adjust to each other as husband and wife. An older couple advised us to be students of one another first before taking care of another life, and as we look back, we are thankful for the wisdom of that. We gained much from waiting. We learned to adjust to each other’s schedules, had the luxury of travelling light, enjoyed each other without distractions, invested in building friendships with others as a couple, freely discussed issues without interruption and with no audience around. Those first two years reinforced our belief that after our relationship with God, the second most important relationship is with our spouse. We were able to make enough deposits in each other’s emotional bank accounts that will spare us from the full impact of withdrawals when the baby arrives.

True enough, when our firstborn arrived, we were quite overwhelmed by the change that brought. During a vacation, upon arrival at the venue, after the ingress of all our baby’s needs, a friend chuckled, “It’s a wonder how they are born with nothing…”  Suddenly a crib’s beside the master’s bed, a huge playpen takes the place of the center table, a stroller occupies the entire trunk, a bath tub eats up shower space, breastmilk fills up freezer space, and on and on. It is like an invasion. One seems to be left with no choice but to pay attention.

What you focus on, expands. That’s what happened. I got distracted with breastfeeding and attending to our daughter’s needs that my eyes were no longer on the Blesser but on the blessing. Like they say, when our vertical relationship wanes (God and me), our horizontal relationships (Me and others) get affected. And in this case, it impinged on my relationship with my husband. Our weekly dates dwindled, finding greater fulfillment with our firstborn. When we did go out, she was the topic. I would often let the baby sleep in between us when I could very well transfer her to her crib.  I recall how I would personally choose the wardrobe of the child, lay them out in advance and check if the baby bag was complete before an outing. I never offered to do those things for my husband thinking that he could take care of himself! So there were times when Mommy and baby were ready but Daddy was not. All these little choices put together was a potential threat to our relationship. It was eating away at God’s original intention for my husband and me to take priority. It was time to make a change. As I look back, I thank God for giving me a very patient husband. He never complained and simply let God’s Spirit bring me to my senses. God used circumstances around me to point out my distraction.

God used the separation and crises of a couple married for almost 40 years to warn me.  If I continue prioritizing my child, what will our marriage be like in the future? This couple became strangers to one another because they focused on raising their kids, instead of building their relationship. Now their children were all grown and gone. When our own nest is empty, will our hearts still be full? Am I making the deposits I should in our marriage that will make us look forward to growing old together?

God used a seminar called Blueprint of Marriage, to remind me of His priorities. The female speaker asked, “Who do you prioritize when you plan the menu? Your husband or you child?” “How often do you intercede for your husband? For your child?” Rebuked and repentant, I moved from being distracted to being directed. God’s direction for every wife is to put her husband first. And, I confidently include this, for every husband, to put the wife first. No longer “outside the kulambo” but together.

So what are practical ways by which we can live out God’s design for marriage?

Be alert. Take note of both major and minor requests made. When my husband asks me to attend to something, from planning an event to mending a shirt, I note it down and include it among my top “to do’s” for the day. The usual tendency is for me to tackle the urgent things, and postpone the once that matter to my spouse but at the end of the day, I feel lacking. However, when I give him priority, strangely, I feel accomplished, like I did what I was made to do.

Identify your spouse’s love language. Dr. Gary Chapman in his book, “Love Languages” identifies five ways a person experiences love. Some feel loved when they are served, some, when they receive gifts. Some appreciate being verbally affirmed, others, tenderly touched and others, when given quality time. I recall how my husband and I had a love language conflict during our early years because I was giving him gifts and affirming him when he was actually needy of my pampering and service. He, on the other hand, was serving me, when I was expecting him to bring me shopping!! We discovered through the years that love languages evolve and being aware of our spouse’s language, enables us to care more effectively.

A date a week. Make plans to spend time together, just you and your spouse. Agree not to discuss domestic concerns and just have a restful time having fun and enjoying each other. It helps to list down things you like doing together (and things you like doing apart or solo) so you can plan better. Or plan to ask each other discovery questions like: What do you enjoy most about your life right now? If you were invisible for a day, what would you do? What are three things you would like to do before your next birthday?


No serious discussions after nine. A writer once said that when you get married, you permanently complicate your life. Funny, but true. With so many complications, it will help if you get enough rest and enough sleep. Avoiding serious discussions after 9pm help us get better rest at night. There are exceptions at times, but this general rule has definitely helped us postpone some discussions and protect us from late night conflicts.


Attending Couple Seminars. Like the car, our relationship needs a tune up every now and then for better mileage. We decided to get involved in the couple’s community in our church. We have had the privilege to attend and to serve in yearly couple’s seminars that allow us to review God’s design for marriage. We also enjoy learning from other couples. If you can’t do this regularly, it would be good to have other couple friends, fellow travelers to encourage each other in the right way.

These are just some of the many ideas on how to nourish your marriage. And the key is to keep at it. I am still a work in progress and so is my husband. And we recognize that marriage needs nurturing. As they say, no pain, no gain. Staying married is definitely a greater challenge than getting married but with God’s guidance and enabling, we can look forward to a lasting marriage “ inside the kulambo”.