Restraining Complaining

I have observed, when I complain to my husband, it most often than not ends up in an argument. Oh yes, like many of you, I also experience conflicts with my husband where we disagree and get hurt. Because we are different and see life from different perspectives, it is inevitable. Through these exchanges I have had many realizations which are helping me restrain the complaining and as a result, reduce the arguing.

Complaints have a way of provoking negativity in another. More so, if it is ill-timed when given, and especially, if the complaint concerns the one you are sharing it with.

The other night, I cooked soup but I had a missing ingredient. To my taste buds, it was acceptable. Unfortunately, even after praying over the dish, it did not meet my daughter’s standard. Her simple complaint, which was actually more like news said in the town square, “The soup is tasteless,” rocked my world. “Lord, take over” I quickly and silently prayed. That speedy call for help made all the difference. It diffused the rising irritation.  

Surprised at my calm, I apologized and told her that there was a missing ingredient. I also shared with her that I was offended not by her comment, but how she expressed it as if the whole world needed to know! (I do not always respond calmly to my children’s complaints. There have been those days when I would be drained by them and retort.) Our youngest who witnessed what happened began to criticize his sister. The complaint was not against him and yet it provoked him to judge her. 

Perhaps that is why God’s word abounds with warnings against complaining. Paul writes to the Philippians, “Do all things without complaining…” James writes, “So do not grumble against one another that you may not be judged.” 

A psalmist prayed, “I pour out my complaint before Him. I declare before Him my trouble.” Complaints existed back then and still do today. And it can be released and not held back or denied. To pour means to flow continuously or profusely or to pass or proceed in large numbers. But the psalmist emphasizes who He releases his many complaints to. Notice the phrase “before Him” was said twice. It is something we ought not to miss. The Lord, our God desires that we cast all our cares on Him because He not only has the patience and strength of character to receive all of them without being provoked, but He is also worthy of our trust. Whatever we cast on Him, we can be confident that He will only do with it what is best for us.

How many conflicts can be avoided in relationships if we can develop the discipline of complaining to the Lord and not to man? God knows how our limited minds can misinterpret and misunderstand. He knows our frame and how grumbling against each other can only make things worse. Let us consult and acknowledge the One who knows the beginning and end of our complaints. I believe, more than addressing the object of our complaints, He desires that I be honest with Him---truth in the inward parts. By doing so, free of my load, I am able to discern the truth behind my complaints. The Holy Spirit has shown me how complaining is just a symptom of major obstacles such as unbelief, ingratitude, impatience and discontent. No wonder it does not sink well with my husband!

At other times after pouring out to God, I am directed to be honest with those I have something against, but I act with peace in my heart knowing that I am responding to the Lord’s leading rather than venting my own foolish reactions.  Just because I am the wife, the mother, the daughter, the sister or the friend, it does not mean that in any given situation, I am automatically God’s chosen messenger and am free to express my complaint. Prayer and God’s word have major roles in determining that and in keeping me from hindering His work in the lives of others.

As I am reminded of the nature of complaints and the damage it can do, I am led to pray. “Lord, forgive me for the times I complain. Thank You for Your patient love. By your strength and grace, I recommit to set a guard over my mouth when I am tempted to complain to others. I recommit to make You, my first stop, casting every care on You and yielding to Your plan.” 

They Do Say the Darndest Things

    A merry heart does good like medicine but a crushed spirit makes the bones dry. Cheerful thoughts certainly influence the way we feel, for the better. I distinctly remember one of my favorite shows back in the 90s, which always made me feel lighter all throughout. This was Bill Cosby’s Kids Say the Darndest Things. The candid, pure and hilarious reactions of the kids on the set would amuse me and even make me laugh. Their child-like views were refreshing and surprisingly, convicting at times. The show would also feature flashbacks of a 1950s variety show called House Party which included a segment with the host, Art LInkletter, catching the kids say the darndest things. They have such an unadulterated view of life.

                Though the show has been off the air for quite sometime, I still have the privilege of hearing the darndest things, as a mother of four. The timing and delivery of our kids’ responses are at times so orchestrated as if they were well-thought of punch lines. Here are some of my favorites that occurred during ages 3 to 5. For those who know me well, you probably can name who among my kids said these things. I hope that it promotes cheerful thoughts adding a little sunshine to your day.

                “Mommy, my tummy has a headache.”

                “V is for Vegas, Lost Vegas.”

                “Mama, why do they have so much hair?” (Referring to the British royal guards)

                “Mom, how does Jesus get the money we give in church?”

"Kuya" means my older brother

                

                Once we were talking about the sad state of the roads in our city. I shared with our 5 year old how the rains and the high volume of cars passing damage the road. She reacted, “Damage? What damage? Then they have to shampoo it!”  (Obviously, affected by hair commercials.)

                “If half of the time he is a good boy and half of the time he is not, then half of him will go to heaven and the other half to hell.”

                While looking at a picture book and naming all that he could, he came upon a picture of a mosquito and identified it, “Dengue.”

                One time our son woke up from his sleep and he told us that someone was calling his name. His dad and I told him about  Samuel who was being called by God in his sleep and to this our son replied, “But the voice is a girl’s!”     

   After finding out that a female friend, who was single, got pregnant, our daughter comments, “She is just like the mom of Anakin (in Star Wars).  She got pregnant by the Force.”

    About Adam & Eve. “Her name is Eve because she did something Eve-il.”

                Once I was speaking to the eldest and ended the discussion by asking, “Get the point?” Then she replied, “Got the point.” Then our 3 year old squeezes in, “Mama, I also want to get a point!”

                “Why did Jesus become cruci-five?”

                One time I gently and honestly shared with my small child that her words were hurting my feelings and she immediately replied, “But I want to hurt your feelings!”

                “I had so much fun in Sunday School. I want to do it again, Mom. Can’t you rewind us?”

    After a 3 day confinement in the hospital and an extended time with my Creator, I resolved to stay home and be more available to my kids. My daughter observes, “Did they experiment on you in the hospital? Cause you're not the same mama anymore.”

   Oh, how these memories and more have successfully put a smile on my face and lightened my load.  Do email me at felichi.buizon@cbnasia .org and share with me the darndest things you have heard from kids to add a bit of sunshine to my day!

               

Finding Fortune in Unfortunate Events

“Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing – but let us encourage one another…” Recently, we experienced an uplifting get-together, when several other couples from our community met for fun, fellowship and food. Our objective was to celebrate with thanksgiving the completion of a project accomplished by prayer and combined efforts of the couples present. It was also an opportunity for us to apply the Sunday message on being thankful.

We asked the group to think of a recent unfortunate event, an unpleasant circumstance or experience that did not turn out the way they wanted.  Then we instructed them to go treasure hunting by reviewing the unfortunate event and searching for things they can still thank God for. We usually give thanks only when good things happen. Are we not instructed to “Give thanks in all circumstances?”  

That evening we had the privilege of enjoying the treasure found by two mothers and a son.

One mother shared how bad news turned into good. A loyal household helper of more than 15 years was devastated when her teen age son, who happened to be a scholar, got an older girl pregnant! Pain of betrayal and broken dreams caused tears to flow from their helper. Her pain was shared by her employers and most specially their teen-age daughters. Their devoted “yaya” was hurting and so were they. This incident became a true-to-life illustration of the dangers of exclusive relationships at a young age, which was just shared to them at church.  “Our pastor was right, mom.”  Their yaya’s sorrow strengthened their resolve to avoid serious relationships at this time to free them from distraction, immorality and unnecessary pain!

To reinforce this principle, another mother shared how a relationship gone sour made her son realize the value of obedience to parents and, God-dependence over independence. As parents, they advised their sons to make a lot of friends in high school and reserve exclusive relationships for later. Their eldest son, however, chose otherwise.  He courted a girl who eventually answered him.  Unfortunately, the relationship went from bad to worse to the boy’s hurt. And also the family’s. Isn’t it when one part of the body is aching, a stubbed toe, a toothache, a migraine… the entire body gets affected?

Though scarred and shaken, her son has learned that choices have consequences, and it is wise to take his parents’ instructions more seriously. Finding an ally in Jesus, her son has found new courage and strength in frequent prayer. For these invaluable lessons, his mom is grateful.

The only male sharer was a son who lost his own mother, who was bed-ridden for the last 30 years, on Mother’s Day.  First and foremost, he was thankful that he had an earlier opportunity to share clearly what Jesus did for her on the cross. Jesus paid her penalty, died that she may live and partake in life everlasting. Her son knew because of his mom’s faith in Jesus, she had passed from death to a new, glorious life. No longer bed-ridden but standing in splendor and free in eternity. Such comfort this truth brings.

Despite the turbulent weather the weekend she died, with all local flights cancelled, he and his wife still managed to have two seats in a bus. Thankfully he was able to join his relatives and experience a meaningful memorial service. There, he heard of how his mom’s uncomplaining attitude amazed and ministered to those who cared for her and visited her. In her weakness, she gave strength to many.  Moreover,   many unexpected and sympathetic friends were deeply moved by the wake service. It was one of the most spiritually uplifting services they attended. Clearly, his precious mom’s death was an instrument to bring Christ’s love and life to many.  What an extraordinary Mother’s Day!

Perhaps like me, you are in the middle of an unpleasant circumstance or a seemingly unfortunate event. Our limited perspective can deceive us from seeing the big picture. Perhaps we need new eyes to see beyond the problem that we may count it all joy.  It is my prayer that as we seek the good in our situation, as we search for hidden treasure and as our hearts and lips give thanks, we will not be disappointed. No testimony without a test. No message without a mess. The Lord promises to grant unexplainable peace and blessing as we chose to trust that He is more than able to work all things out (all includes your perplexing dilemma) for our good in His terms, in His time and for His glory!