Restraining Complaining

I have observed, when I complain to my husband, it most often than not ends up in an argument. Oh yes, like many of you, I also experience conflicts with my husband where we disagree and get hurt. Because we are different and see life from different perspectives, it is inevitable. Through these exchanges I have had many realizations which are helping me restrain the complaining and as a result, reduce the arguing.

Complaints have a way of provoking negativity in another. More so, if it is ill-timed when given, and especially, if the complaint concerns the one you are sharing it with.

The other night, I cooked soup but I had a missing ingredient. To my taste buds, it was acceptable. Unfortunately, even after praying over the dish, it did not meet my daughter’s standard. Her simple complaint, which was actually more like news said in the town square, “The soup is tasteless,” rocked my world. “Lord, take over” I quickly and silently prayed. That speedy call for help made all the difference. It diffused the rising irritation.  

Surprised at my calm, I apologized and told her that there was a missing ingredient. I also shared with her that I was offended not by her comment, but how she expressed it as if the whole world needed to know! (I do not always respond calmly to my children’s complaints. There have been those days when I would be drained by them and retort.) Our youngest who witnessed what happened began to criticize his sister. The complaint was not against him and yet it provoked him to judge her. 

Perhaps that is why God’s word abounds with warnings against complaining. Paul writes to the Philippians, “Do all things without complaining…” James writes, “So do not grumble against one another that you may not be judged.” 

A psalmist prayed, “I pour out my complaint before Him. I declare before Him my trouble.” Complaints existed back then and still do today. And it can be released and not held back or denied. To pour means to flow continuously or profusely or to pass or proceed in large numbers. But the psalmist emphasizes who He releases his many complaints to. Notice the phrase “before Him” was said twice. It is something we ought not to miss. The Lord, our God desires that we cast all our cares on Him because He not only has the patience and strength of character to receive all of them without being provoked, but He is also worthy of our trust. Whatever we cast on Him, we can be confident that He will only do with it what is best for us.

How many conflicts can be avoided in relationships if we can develop the discipline of complaining to the Lord and not to man? God knows how our limited minds can misinterpret and misunderstand. He knows our frame and how grumbling against each other can only make things worse. Let us consult and acknowledge the One who knows the beginning and end of our complaints. I believe, more than addressing the object of our complaints, He desires that I be honest with Him---truth in the inward parts. By doing so, free of my load, I am able to discern the truth behind my complaints. The Holy Spirit has shown me how complaining is just a symptom of major obstacles such as unbelief, ingratitude, impatience and discontent. No wonder it does not sink well with my husband!

At other times after pouring out to God, I am directed to be honest with those I have something against, but I act with peace in my heart knowing that I am responding to the Lord’s leading rather than venting my own foolish reactions.  Just because I am the wife, the mother, the daughter, the sister or the friend, it does not mean that in any given situation, I am automatically God’s chosen messenger and am free to express my complaint. Prayer and God’s word have major roles in determining that and in keeping me from hindering His work in the lives of others.

As I am reminded of the nature of complaints and the damage it can do, I am led to pray. “Lord, forgive me for the times I complain. Thank You for Your patient love. By your strength and grace, I recommit to set a guard over my mouth when I am tempted to complain to others. I recommit to make You, my first stop, casting every care on You and yielding to Your plan.” 

Stop Griping

Very recently, our guppy fish named, “Grace” gave birth to 14 little guppies or little fry. Being newbies in guppy care, we were ecstatic! It sort of reminded me of the scene in Disney’s 101 Dalmatians when Perdita gave birth to 15 puppies. Such abundance. However, our joy was short-lived. Before we could transfer the newborns to safety, the mother fish feasted on a dozen!!

We were shocked, particularly my daughter and I. I did not realize how fond we had grown of these little swimmers. Observing them during gaps in the day can be calming and therapeutic. It has also allowed my kids and I to bond as we create and laugh over  ‘pretend’ conversations between them.  It was not surprising then that I was affected by the ‘mass murder’. In our disappointment, we took the liberty of expressing how we felt. And I think we took it to an extreme.

“How could you do such a thing?” I reprimanded Grace. “So unfeeling.”  I know, I know. She was a fish and was probably so hungry after giving birth to a school! But as a mother myself, I expected longer nurturing after birth.  I resented her for taking away our joy so soon. My daughter sat on the couch and stared blankly into space, “I can’t believe it, Mom. She is so bad.”

My daughter chided me for delaying the transfer of the little fry. And I defended myself by saying, “I did not want to disturb the environment because I thought she wasn’t done yet.”  So distraught, she insisted that it was my fault. My husband cut in with his timely rhetorical question, “Excuse me, who are you speaking to?”  Realizing she was out of line, she replied with a timid, “Your wife.” That’s when she stopped, shifting her anger towards Grace. “We should not have called her Grace, Mom, she should be called Curse.”   The next few days, we were still sulking over the loss and berating Grace for her misdeed. Then one morning, I discovered her lifeless.  Seeing Grace tiny body floating, it dawned upon me, how harsh we had been. There lay a fitting reminder of how our words can suck the life out of another.

Proverbs 12: 18 which reads, “There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.” I have a dear friend who is retired, but confessed how as a chief executive officer, her words were once like thrusts of a light saber!! Words can do a lot of harm. More than we realize. And when the damage is done, it could be a long road to recovery, or worse, irrecoverable.

The death of Grace was one of those magic moments for parent and child, when an opportunity arises for us to learn together from God’s Word. We read Ephesians 4:29, “Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. The verse says, “everything”. So no matter how disappointing a situation is, we honor the Lord when we give helpful responses. Our griping, sighing, berating and unforgiveness were not helpful at all. My son concludes, “Words have power, Mom.”  They have the power to build or to bruise, to help or to hinder. Our words failed to build up those who heard them, including Grace. Even her name rebukes us for having failed to season our speech with grace.

After seeking God’s forgiveness together, I reflected on what happened. I accepted this setback as God’s reminder to watch my own words and to stop griping. I remembered the warning I read that children usually do in excess what parents do in moderation! Oh my…I realized in the past year, being “too at home” with family, I would freely express my thoughts without using the principle behind Ephesians 4:29 as my filter and guide. My default used to be when it comes to family, every joy and woe is shared, but I realize again that it is not always beneficial to entrust ourselves, especially our woes, to others.  Instead of filling their tank, dumping our woes drain the listener. And conflict is just around the corner. What if my tank was empty and someone decided to dump her woes on me? I recoil at the thought. Freely expressing disappointments, criticism or complaints can discourage another, but not Our Heavenly Father.  

In Psalm 62 verse 8, we are called to “Pour out our hearts”. To pour means to release, to let it flow.  To whom do we unload?  The verse says, “to God ”, not man. Why?  “For God is our refuge”. He is the safest place. Others can misunderstand, or can be unprepared to listen and react. Only He can be entrusted with all our joys and pain. Only He can perfectly understand our quiet laughter and secret tears.  As I release them to Him, I am emptied of care and made ready to be blessed. He takes the weight of those woes and frees me from its control over what I say. Then, I can be a blessing to others. Just like my daughter’s redeeming words, “Oh well…Praise God, two survived. Let’s call them Moses and Noah. One survived the river, the other , the flood. Or if there is a female, let’s call her, Rahab.”

 I pray fervently that as I commit to continue in His Word this year, I will stop griping and dumping and slowly leave a legacy of words seasoned with grace to those around me.