I have observed, when I complain to my husband, it most often than not ends up in an argument. Oh yes, like many of you, I also experience conflicts with my husband where we disagree and get hurt. Because we are different and see life from different perspectives, it is inevitable. Through these exchanges I have had many realizations which are helping me restrain the complaining and as a result, reduce the arguing.
Complaints have a way of provoking negativity in another. More so, if it is ill-timed when given, and especially, if the complaint concerns the one you are sharing it with.
The other night, I cooked soup but I had a missing ingredient. To my taste buds, it was acceptable. Unfortunately, even after praying over the dish, it did not meet my daughter’s standard. Her simple complaint, which was actually more like news said in the town square, “The soup is tasteless,” rocked my world. “Lord, take over” I quickly and silently prayed. That speedy call for help made all the difference. It diffused the rising irritation.
Surprised at my calm, I apologized and told her that there was a missing ingredient. I also shared with her that I was offended not by her comment, but how she expressed it as if the whole world needed to know! (I do not always respond calmly to my children’s complaints. There have been those days when I would be drained by them and retort.) Our youngest who witnessed what happened began to criticize his sister. The complaint was not against him and yet it provoked him to judge her.
Perhaps that is why God’s word abounds with warnings against complaining. Paul writes to the Philippians, “Do all things without complaining…” James writes, “So do not grumble against one another that you may not be judged.”
A psalmist prayed, “I pour out my complaint before Him. I declare before Him my trouble.” Complaints existed back then and still do today. And it can be released and not held back or denied. To pour means to flow continuously or profusely or to pass or proceed in large numbers. But the psalmist emphasizes who He releases his many complaints to. Notice the phrase “before Him” was said twice. It is something we ought not to miss. The Lord, our God desires that we cast all our cares on Him because He not only has the patience and strength of character to receive all of them without being provoked, but He is also worthy of our trust. Whatever we cast on Him, we can be confident that He will only do with it what is best for us.
How many conflicts can be avoided in relationships if we can develop the discipline of complaining to the Lord and not to man? God knows how our limited minds can misinterpret and misunderstand. He knows our frame and how grumbling against each other can only make things worse. Let us consult and acknowledge the One who knows the beginning and end of our complaints. I believe, more than addressing the object of our complaints, He desires that I be honest with Him---truth in the inward parts. By doing so, free of my load, I am able to discern the truth behind my complaints. The Holy Spirit has shown me how complaining is just a symptom of major obstacles such as unbelief, ingratitude, impatience and discontent. No wonder it does not sink well with my husband!
At other times after pouring out to God, I am directed to be honest with those I have something against, but I act with peace in my heart knowing that I am responding to the Lord’s leading rather than venting my own foolish reactions. Just because I am the wife, the mother, the daughter, the sister or the friend, it does not mean that in any given situation, I am automatically God’s chosen messenger and am free to express my complaint. Prayer and God’s word have major roles in determining that and in keeping me from hindering His work in the lives of others.
As I am reminded of the nature of complaints and the damage it can do, I am led to pray. “Lord, forgive me for the times I complain. Thank You for Your patient love. By your strength and grace, I recommit to set a guard over my mouth when I am tempted to complain to others. I recommit to make You, my first stop, casting every care on You and yielding to Your plan.”
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