Prepare Him Room

“Let every heart, prepare Him room.” Are we preparing room for Jesus this Christmas? Or are our calendars filled with shopping lists, guests and to-do lists, reunions and office parties? For several Christmases I have had the sad experience of getting lost in gift wrapper. I am just as guilty as the inn keepers during that first Christmas where they shook their heads signifying no more room for the coming King.

This year, I have resolved to make an effort to keep the main thing, the main thing. And the main thing is to celebrate Christ! Here are some ways to honor the Celebrant this season:

START CELEBRATION WITH THANKSGIVING. Did you know that Thanksgiving is not only celebrated in the US? Countries like Argentina, Grenada, Japan and the Netherlands also have Thanksgiving. Why not the Philippines? We have adopted this celebration---our own version, starting last year and it has been a blessing. We share a special meal and we give thanks, not only for the good things but also for circumstances that we cannot change. We also take time to thank one another and affirm each other’s strengths. We can do this any day.

WRAP & PRAY. Many of us are gift-givers. As we wrap those gifts, take time to pray for the person you will be giving the gift to. We all need prayers especially those who have yet to receive the best gift of all.

CHRIST IN THE CAROLS. My family enjoys music and we sing carols during holidays. This year, I plan to challenge them to find the gospel message or the true meaning of Christmas in familiar carols such as Hark the Herald, Joy to the World or O Come All Ye Faithful. You can also take it to the next level and discover the origin of the songs. Did you know that Joy to the World is inspired by Psalm 98? And it was written by Isaac Watts after he told his father that the songs in church were too solemn that it made him sleepy?

MEDITATING ON THE MANGER. We have a traditional wooden Belen that we set up every Christmas. After reading the Christmas story from the bible, we reflect on the different elements and characters and ask one another, “Who or what is your favorite and why?” I remember my answer last year. I said, “Joseph” because his obedience, despite the cost, inspired me. A memorable answer was given by my daughter. “Jesus, because He is the specialest!”

When our kids were younger, I can never forget the costume dinner we had. Yes, we chose a character in the manger to role play during dinner. My son, his yaya and I were shepherds. My daughter was an angel and my husband, a sheep. A visiting aunt and our gardener were kings and our cook was Mary! It is still the funniest Christmas memory I have. I remember how my daughter bowed down to worship the baby in the manger. I do recall the baby wrapped in swaddling clothes looked very much like Ernie of Sesame Street.

CHRIST CENTERED MEALS. After dinner last Sunday, each dressed in either red or white, we read aloud the familiar story of the candy cane and was reminded of Jesus, our sinless Savior and Great Shepherd. (You may email me for a copy of the story.) What a delight to dip candy canes in hot choco! It tasted minty. Mint chocolate is my favorite!

One Christmas, using folded tracing paper, with tea lights lit in the middle, we created our own lanterns. We made several of them and lit them all around the dining room. Then, we talked about the nature of light and celebrated Jesus as the Light of the world. I think we will do that again this year. I just discovered that there are lantern bags on sale in bookstores.

Invite a friend or a couple to join you as you celebrate Jesus!

CHRIST-CENTERED TAGS. Personalized tags are very popular. Why not Christ-centered tags? One Christmas, I was able to google an image of Santa kneeling by the baby in the manger. Visualize it. I thought it was a powerful illustration of who the real star of Christmas is. I pasted this image on the tags of gifts I gave to my young nephews, nieces and godchildren.

A SPECIAL PLACE ON THE TABLE. One Christmas a dear friend gave me a placemat to remind me of Jesus’ place in my life. It reminded us to set a special place for Jesus on our dining table. There we laid a cake and a candle because are we not celebrating His birth? Singing Happy Birthday to Him affirms His constant presence in our midst. Emmanuel, God with us.

A DATE WITH THE LORD. Take time out on your own to reflect on the year that was. With your planner in hand, check out the times Jesus showed Himself faithful as Provider, as Shepherd, as your Comforter, as Father, as Protector, as a Friend, as your Refuge and Help, as your source of wisdom, as your Prince of Peace. Thank Him, praise Him, worship Him!

PRAY FOR OPEN HEARTS. Still the best way to keep the main thing, the main thing is to share with others why Jesus came. Jesus is the greatest gift selflessly sent by the Greatest Giver to heal our greatest problem of sin. John 3:16 declares, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”  Last week, I met Nino, a watchmaker on a wheelchair and I had the privilege of sharing with Him the message of salvation. Pray for opportunities to share and for hearts to make room for the best gift. Let earth receive her King!   

Let There Be Light

I used to look at creation as just the beginning of it all but I now recognize the love of God at work before any of us was born, carefully preparing a place for His creation to inhabit.

One of the first things that God created was light. Back then, He knew how we would need it. I contemplated on why it was one of the first and I came up with a string of realizations that has deepened my appreciation for light and for the Giver of light.

As I focused on the characteristics of light, I realized more and more the wisdom behind this wonderful creation.

Light reveals. Without light, I cannot read His Word. I cannot know God the way He wants to be known. I cannot see myself, who I really am, physically or spiritually. Part of aging is the weakening of eyesight. It amazes me how what I frustratingly try to configure under a light bulb, I can discern so well in broad daylight. Light helps me see and discover things.

Light directs. It guides me to see where I came from, where I am and where I need to go. It allows me to look upon the faces of those I love and see their needs.

Light empowers. It helps me see my way, especially in the dark. It allows me to be productive even in the dark. Case in point: at this very moment I am writing this article late at night so naturally, I need light to accomplish this. Just heard of this new lipstick that has a built in mirror--- and light. Sounds useful!

Light exposes. Darkness hides. When I make a mistake, I don’t naturally want it broadcasted. The less people know the better. But God always knows and the light of His truth exposes unrighteousness--wrongs that need to be made right. When it is out in the open, it can be addressed.

After it exposes, light convicts. Unrighteousness revealed calls for repentance. Sin ignored can cause greater harm. I have observed when housekeeping, mess unattended to declines into more disorder. Even if you switch off the light at night and ignore it, daylight will expose it and it is an eyesore. A clean up is in order and light speeds it up.

It does not only expose darkness and convict us of unrighteousness, light also dispels darkness.  I marvel at how one candle can prevail over the darkness in a closed area.

Light protects. There are ditches, holes, ledges that you can trip over as you walk. Light enables you to avoid these obstacles. Similarly, light helps me identify the enemy, his lies and his schemes. From this, I can flee or “praypare” to engage in battle.

Light gives hope. Oh, how I need this! Psalm 112 verse 4 says. “Light arises in the darkness…” No matter how thick the darkness that engulfs us, light will come to dispel it. Moreover, the light of the morning reminds me of the Lord’s mercies which are new. That is an untried, inexhaustible, fresh supply of divine mercy available daily.

Did not Jesus say that He is the Light of the world? Does He not use His word to reveal, direct, empower, expose, convict, deliver, protect and give hope?

Just like light, water and bread are just some of the things that the Lord Jesus used to describe Himself. Everyday necessities that we can relate with and many, including myself, cannot do without.

When the world was formless, God spoke creation into being. In a world that is decaying and growing darker, we need the Light of the World to dispel and overcome that darkness. And like those first spoken words that brought forth great wonders, providing us with what we needed for life, so shall these words declare all we ever need and much more, “Let there be…JESUS.”   

Finding Fortune in Unfortunate Events

“Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing – but let us encourage one another…” Recently, we experienced an uplifting get-together, when several other couples from our community met for fun, fellowship and food. Our objective was to celebrate with thanksgiving the completion of a project accomplished by prayer and combined efforts of the couples present. It was also an opportunity for us to apply the Sunday message on being thankful.

We asked the group to think of a recent unfortunate event, an unpleasant circumstance or experience that did not turn out the way they wanted.  Then we instructed them to go treasure hunting by reviewing the unfortunate event and searching for things they can still thank God for. We usually give thanks only when good things happen. Are we not instructed to “Give thanks in all circumstances?”  

That evening we had the privilege of enjoying the treasure found by two mothers and a son.

One mother shared how bad news turned into good. A loyal household helper of more than 15 years was devastated when her teen age son, who happened to be a scholar, got an older girl pregnant! Pain of betrayal and broken dreams caused tears to flow from their helper. Her pain was shared by her employers and most specially their teen-age daughters. Their devoted “yaya” was hurting and so were they. This incident became a true-to-life illustration of the dangers of exclusive relationships at a young age, which was just shared to them at church.  “Our pastor was right, mom.”  Their yaya’s sorrow strengthened their resolve to avoid serious relationships at this time to free them from distraction, immorality and unnecessary pain!

To reinforce this principle, another mother shared how a relationship gone sour made her son realize the value of obedience to parents and, God-dependence over independence. As parents, they advised their sons to make a lot of friends in high school and reserve exclusive relationships for later. Their eldest son, however, chose otherwise.  He courted a girl who eventually answered him.  Unfortunately, the relationship went from bad to worse to the boy’s hurt. And also the family’s. Isn’t it when one part of the body is aching, a stubbed toe, a toothache, a migraine… the entire body gets affected?

Though scarred and shaken, her son has learned that choices have consequences, and it is wise to take his parents’ instructions more seriously. Finding an ally in Jesus, her son has found new courage and strength in frequent prayer. For these invaluable lessons, his mom is grateful.

The only male sharer was a son who lost his own mother, who was bed-ridden for the last 30 years, on Mother’s Day.  First and foremost, he was thankful that he had an earlier opportunity to share clearly what Jesus did for her on the cross. Jesus paid her penalty, died that she may live and partake in life everlasting. Her son knew because of his mom’s faith in Jesus, she had passed from death to a new, glorious life. No longer bed-ridden but standing in splendor and free in eternity. Such comfort this truth brings.

Despite the turbulent weather the weekend she died, with all local flights cancelled, he and his wife still managed to have two seats in a bus. Thankfully he was able to join his relatives and experience a meaningful memorial service. There, he heard of how his mom’s uncomplaining attitude amazed and ministered to those who cared for her and visited her. In her weakness, she gave strength to many.  Moreover,   many unexpected and sympathetic friends were deeply moved by the wake service. It was one of the most spiritually uplifting services they attended. Clearly, his precious mom’s death was an instrument to bring Christ’s love and life to many.  What an extraordinary Mother’s Day!

Perhaps like me, you are in the middle of an unpleasant circumstance or a seemingly unfortunate event. Our limited perspective can deceive us from seeing the big picture. Perhaps we need new eyes to see beyond the problem that we may count it all joy.  It is my prayer that as we seek the good in our situation, as we search for hidden treasure and as our hearts and lips give thanks, we will not be disappointed. No testimony without a test. No message without a mess. The Lord promises to grant unexplainable peace and blessing as we chose to trust that He is more than able to work all things out (all includes your perplexing dilemma) for our good in His terms, in His time and for His glory!

Prompt Obedience

Such delight it brings when our children do as they’re told, quickly and without fussing. They do not realize how much it really blesses us.  And doesn’t it save a lot of time?

 As a parent, my children’s obedience makes me feel regarded and honored as opposed to overlooked and disrespected. Their obedience is also extremely assuring because, unknown to them, they gain protection when they obey. That is of course, when we are instructing them to do what is right. 

How is that? When your child, in obedience, keeps his fingers from touching the electric fan, or does not run with a sharp object, he is kept from harm’s way. Or when I tell my son to bring an extra shirt and he obeys, he is able to change to a new one; in case he gets all sweaty, preventing him from getting sick.  As they grow older, our reminders to them to do things in moderation, to focus or stay clear of this and that, are all born out of our desire to guide and protect them.

However, there are times when it is not as easy to engage their cooperation. There will be times, they will delay obedience, partially obey or just disobey. When they do, my natural reaction is to correct but many times, they simply mirror to me my own depravity. Where am I disobedient and failing to honor my Father in heaven?  Where am I delaying to act on what God has already revealed to me? Have I forgotten that His instructions are given with my best in mind?

The psalmist’s declares his choice in Psalm 119:60-61, “I will hasten and not delay to obey your commands; though the wicked bind me with ropes, I will not forget your law.”   

To hasten means to hurry, to proceed and not linger, just like Abraham when the Lord asked him to carry out a very difficult task, it struck me that he set out to do it early in the morning. Remarkable. It amazes me how one can promptly do what is difficult. Perhaps had he chosen to do it later, more voices would probably discourage him from heeding God’s call.  Perhaps Sarah would have intervened. Perhaps a late morning trip would be too hot so it would then be further delayed. And so forth and so on. Delays give opportunity for distraction that may dampen our resolve to obey, leading to disobedience. And for Abraham, this was not an option.

For an illustration closer to home, in the area of giving—I have heard of many who are often led to give but fail to act promptly on their resolve. Sooner than later the amount set aside gets spent on other legitimate needs. Money does have wings!!  The opportunity is gone to bless and to be blessed.

When we are set to follow God’s leading, it is wisest to do it promptly in the power of the Holy Spirit, for on our own, we are prone to distraction. Moreover, we need to be aware that forces exist with the purpose of making us ineffective.

It is common for some to spend time in prayer, usually, at the start of the day. When we fail to prioritize, we end up lost in a truckload of chores and unending calls that demand our time and attention.  This has happened to me. The enemy may not bind me with ropes, but he has, by tempting me to stay busy, busy, busy-- to the neglect of my precious time with the Lord. How much peace and blessing I have forfeited by refusing to obey the call to pray!

How about you? What good intentions or commitments do you need to follow through? May Jesus give you the grace to put your faith in action, work in you what is pleasing in His sight and empower you to trust and obey.  Perhaps today, like the psalmist, you, too can bless God’s heart and say with all determination, “Though the wicked bind me with ropes, I will not forget your law.”

God of Details

We have four growing children whose needs are constantly evolving and at times, simultaneously calling for attention. It can be overwhelming. Times like this, it is a relief to know that God, who loves our children so much more, is never overwhelmed! He is never threatened by the billions of petitions made to Him. And amidst all those pleas and prayers, He is seated on the throne, in full charge, not pacing up and down His courtroom, anxious over this and that!

There was a time, I used to think, with billions of prayers being lifted up to God, He probably prioritized and attended to the bigger problems that affect the multitudes! Why bother Him with petty stuff? But my thinking changed. Oh, He is most definitely aware of major global concerns and is actively at work to make things right but our Father in Heaven, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, is the very same God of you and me.

He is a personal God, who according to the psalmist “knows when we sit and when we rise; perceives our thoughts from afar…and is familiar with all our ways.” He is directly involved in our circumstances, intimately acquainted not only with our hopes and dreams, but even with our tiny sighs.

I still remember when our little girl was asked to be a flower girl in a wedding in New York. She needed an eggplant colored dress. Had it been white or pink or ecru, it would not have been as challenging to find. So we prayed. We were still here in Manila when I shared this need to a lady friend, she smiled at me and said, “You know, I think I have one, but it is all the way in Chicago and you might have to adjust it to fit your daughter.” To make the long story short, she has the vacuum-packed dress sent to our New York address. And it fit our little angel perfectly! Is that orchestrated or what? And to think we did not even have to go through the trouble of bringing the bulky dress in our luggage.

How can I forget the time I was on my way home from the grocery and I realized I was missing my purse?! I felt the panic inside as I itemized in my mind what I had lost. More than the money, I thought of all the identification cards that went with it and the inconvenience losing them would bring. I began to tell God about it, casting my cares. Soon panic was replaced by peace.  I remembered to give thanks for allowing me to immediately discover the loss and I pleaded for His mercy. I retraced my steps, remembered where I purchased last and decided to go back. I was bracing myself. The chance of recovering a purse left in a food cart is nil. When I inquired at the cart, the server smiled, opened a drawer and brought out my purse---intact.  Not all my losses end in recovery but that day, I encountered a God who is never too busy to bother about missing purses.

Special Delivery

A one-of-a-kind moment convinced me that our God, who holds the universe, is interested in the details of our life. My little four year-old was beginning to enjoy his crayons. His favorite was the color red so naturally he used it the most and soon, I would hear him say, “There’s no more red, Mom!” It seemed unwise to keep on buying a pack, just so he could have a red crayon to use. I shared with family how crayon makers should put at least two pieces of red crayon in a set because it is such a popular color among kids. After some time, we received a package in the mail. Can you guess what it was? A box of red crayons. All red!!

The lady that sent it to us held a demanding position in an advertising agency, a supportive wife and a hands-on mother of two. Quite hectic and busy, and yet she took the time to put the box together and bring delight to our four year old. If she was moved to do something like that, what more can the One who inspired her do when He hears us? Thanks be to God who is never too big for our small concerns.

Count to 20

Last weekend, my husband launched our two-part celebration to commemorate our 20^th wedding anniversary. 2 decades, 20 years, 7300 days, 175,200 hours and still running! There has got to be more than a power-packed battery behind that. This journey has led us to mountains and valleys, to deserts and green pastures. We expect changing terrain to still be part of the journey ahead but we rest in the Lord who continues to lead us where His grace can keep us…together. In celebration of this milestone, I want to thank God for 20 graces that have equipped us to experience a growing marriage despite the changing scenes. Some may not apply to others, but there may be one or two that can profit you, too. There are more than 20, but this column does not have enough space for it.

Grace #1              The Source and Author of love Himself.  A perfect God with a perfect love in charge of two imperfect people is the only partnership I have known, and because He has been faithful, even when we are faithless, we are still a team until today.

Grace#2               Sharing the same faith. As singles, we were constantly encouraged to pray for future partners who were committed followers of the Lord. Then, I knew the wisdom behind the instruction in my head. After 2 decades of married life, with all its ups and downs, it has sunk deep in my heart. Seeking His heart together, desiring His will above our own has time and again, simplified and enriched our life.

Grace #3              The Word of God. What a blessing it is to have God’s principles and promises available to us! How His protective boundaries have ironically freed us to grow steadily in our roles as husband and wife.

Grace#4               Planning a child after our first year of marriage. Being students of each other first before becoming parents helped us focus and firm up the foundation of our relationship.

Grace  #5, 6, 7 and 8        Our four blessings from above. With every child that arrived came opportunities for me to know God more, know my hubby better and deepen my commitment to him as his wife. With our first child, I realized the significance of my husband being the priority relationship. With our second child, and first son, I realized my role in helping raise godly men. With our third, I realized the need to listen more and talk less. With our youngest, I realized the dangers of grumbling and whining. All realizations continue to chisel my character so I can be a help and not a hindrance to my husband.

Grace #9              Choosing natural childbirth for all four children. This choice allowed us to share one of life’s most challenging and most beautiful experiences. It was also an opportunity for me to experience firsthand the personal, tender, loving care of my spouse and to gain strength from his calm.

Grace #10            Exercising the privilege to pray together. One of the things that fills my tank and soaks me with great assurance is when my husband and I pray together. Everyday, God hears and answers. Did not Jesus say in Matthew 18:19   "I can guarantee again that if two of you agree on anything here on earth, my Father in heaven will accept it”?

Grace #11            Parents-in-law on both sides that have kept a healthy, supportive distance.

Grace #12            Extended families and close friends that have been sources of inspiration, wise counsel, blessing and support. 

Grace #13            Community of couples in the faith and the gifts of accountability and ministry. If bad company corrupts good morals then good company can inspire. The opportunities to confess to another, to receive correction, instruction and be lifted up in prayer are essential steps to grow and stay faithful. Opportunities to serve in the couples and pre-marital counseling ministry serve as mirrors to us--periodic checkpoints, that help us continue what is beneficial and stop what is not.

Grace #14            Home schooling.  15 years ago, we submitted to the call to home school our children. This experience continues to strengthen our bonding as a family, by increasing our knowledge and awareness of each other and directing our prayers towards collective progress and Christlikeness! It has motivated us both to be involved in the nurturing and training of our children.

Grace #15-18     An abundance of good ideas such as: (1) No discussions after 9 PM. Rested people are able to communicate and love better.  (2) Confer before confirming. Discussing potential time commitments help clarify expectations and reduce conflict in schedule. (3) Regular time apart from the children. (4) Keep expectations low, and appreciation high.

Grace #19            Forgiveness. Being forgiven gives hope to me that God is not giving up on me and that the best is yet to come. On the flip side, forgiving one another just as Christ forgave us brings freedom as it relieves us of heavy feelings that only root and grow harmful resentment and bitterness. Travel light and enjoy the ride.

Grace #20            Wilderness experiences and trials. Yes, being thankful even in unpleasant situations is demonstrating trust in the Lord, who can turn anything into good, if we allow Him to use it for His purpose (Romans 8:28). We had a long season of no help at home but as I thanked the Lord for my confinement, I learned anew the psalmist’s words, “God is my Helper”, I witnessed my husband rise to the occasion and help out as well, I discovered insights on servanthood that no other situation would have impressed upon me, I felt rewarded by children’s right response to chores, and so forth and so on.   As the song goes, “A thankful heart is a happy heart.”

On our wedding day, year 1991.

Lest you misunderstand, ours is not a perfect marriage. But our Perfect Partner, the Author of relationships has opened my eyes to see that His grace (20 and counting) is indeed sufficient, sometimes even more, for His power is made perfect in our inadequacies.

  

By Way of the Wilderness

The Lord is an unpredictable Shepherd. As I was reading Exodus 13, the account of Israel’s great escape from their oppressor, Egypt, I was struck by verse 17, “when Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them by the way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near, for God said, “Lest perhaps the people change their minds when they see war and return to Egypt.” Then verse 18 continues “So God led the people around by way of the wilderness.”

God knows the quickest way to our destination but at times, He opts not to guide us in the obvious way. At times, it is by way of the wilderness. Uncomfortable, unpredictable, unfamiliar, even inconvenient but undeniably, for our ultimate good. Our All-Knowing Father is aware of all things. He always sees what is ahead. He knows our own capacity to face approaching trials of varying degrees. He measures our preparedness. He knows our breaking point and promises to never allow challenges that are beyond our ability to bear.   

During one of our early morning walks, my husband and I were on the right side of the street; he was to my left. He moved to the middle of the road and instructed me to go to his left side. I refused to go explaining that I did not want to walk facing approaching vehicles. Valid excuse. The obvious way. Then he said, “I want to protect you. There is a group of men huddled up ahead on that side of the street. Sumunod ka na lang. (Just follow.)” Locked on the obvious, I did not see the group of men. Realizing his concern for me, I immediately followed, regretting my initial hesitation.

How natural it is for me to be locked on the obvious--- to lean on my own understanding or on popular, common sense. How easy it is at times to think that I know better! Many perceptions I have accepted as my own, comfortable and familiar beliefs that have directed my choices, pose as strongholds that keep me from heeding faith’s call.  As I read the bible and meet faithful men, I have learned to accept that faith is not common sense. From Peter who walked on water, to a teen-ager named David who struck down a giant; from Abraham, who rose early to sacrifice his only son, to Jesus who purposely delayed in saving “the one He loved” from death. Their actions are all unexplainable, and yet they were necessary to fulfill divine purposes.

Today, there are countless stories of nameless faithful men and women who have acted “senselessly” but in obedience. From a locker room lady who gives her entire savings to build a church and postpones building her own home to a loving couple that adopts without hesitation, a baby boy left in a basket; from a farmer that plants potatoes during a drought to a grieving man visiting and forgiving the murderer of his brother in prison. And more! Each one is necessary to fulfill God’s purpose.

I need to repent from my thinking that it is always wise to choose the most convenient or sensible option. God is unlike me and has His own way of fulfilling His purpose at times, by the way of the wilderness. I can feel so vulnerable in the wilderness but this is when I feel His sufficiency the most. I can either succumb to fear or by grace, choose faith.  Believe that He, who guides me there, has divine reasons for directing me and I can trust Him to lead me out.

I cannot imagine the countless times our Shepherd has spared us from imminent danger and harm by taking me through the wilderness. For this I am truly thankful.  I pray that as He leads us, we follow, trusting Him for safe travel. May He grant us refreshing stops, assure that we are on course and our destination is totally secure.  

Restraining Complaining

I have observed, when I complain to my husband, it most often than not ends up in an argument. Oh yes, like many of you, I also experience conflicts with my husband where we disagree and get hurt. Because we are different and see life from different perspectives, it is inevitable. Through these exchanges I have had many realizations which are helping me restrain the complaining and as a result, reduce the arguing.

Complaints have a way of provoking negativity in another. More so, if it is ill-timed when given, and especially, if the complaint concerns the one you are sharing it with.

The other night, I cooked soup but I had a missing ingredient. To my taste buds, it was acceptable. Unfortunately, even after praying over the dish, it did not meet my daughter’s standard. Her simple complaint, which was actually more like news said in the town square, “The soup is tasteless,” rocked my world. “Lord, take over” I quickly and silently prayed. That speedy call for help made all the difference. It diffused the rising irritation.  

Surprised at my calm, I apologized and told her that there was a missing ingredient. I also shared with her that I was offended not by her comment, but how she expressed it as if the whole world needed to know! (I do not always respond calmly to my children’s complaints. There have been those days when I would be drained by them and retort.) Our youngest who witnessed what happened began to criticize his sister. The complaint was not against him and yet it provoked him to judge her. 

Perhaps that is why God’s word abounds with warnings against complaining. Paul writes to the Philippians, “Do all things without complaining…” James writes, “So do not grumble against one another that you may not be judged.” 

A psalmist prayed, “I pour out my complaint before Him. I declare before Him my trouble.” Complaints existed back then and still do today. And it can be released and not held back or denied. To pour means to flow continuously or profusely or to pass or proceed in large numbers. But the psalmist emphasizes who He releases his many complaints to. Notice the phrase “before Him” was said twice. It is something we ought not to miss. The Lord, our God desires that we cast all our cares on Him because He not only has the patience and strength of character to receive all of them without being provoked, but He is also worthy of our trust. Whatever we cast on Him, we can be confident that He will only do with it what is best for us.

How many conflicts can be avoided in relationships if we can develop the discipline of complaining to the Lord and not to man? God knows how our limited minds can misinterpret and misunderstand. He knows our frame and how grumbling against each other can only make things worse. Let us consult and acknowledge the One who knows the beginning and end of our complaints. I believe, more than addressing the object of our complaints, He desires that I be honest with Him---truth in the inward parts. By doing so, free of my load, I am able to discern the truth behind my complaints. The Holy Spirit has shown me how complaining is just a symptom of major obstacles such as unbelief, ingratitude, impatience and discontent. No wonder it does not sink well with my husband!

At other times after pouring out to God, I am directed to be honest with those I have something against, but I act with peace in my heart knowing that I am responding to the Lord’s leading rather than venting my own foolish reactions.  Just because I am the wife, the mother, the daughter, the sister or the friend, it does not mean that in any given situation, I am automatically God’s chosen messenger and am free to express my complaint. Prayer and God’s word have major roles in determining that and in keeping me from hindering His work in the lives of others.

As I am reminded of the nature of complaints and the damage it can do, I am led to pray. “Lord, forgive me for the times I complain. Thank You for Your patient love. By your strength and grace, I recommit to set a guard over my mouth when I am tempted to complain to others. I recommit to make You, my first stop, casting every care on You and yielding to Your plan.” 

They Do Say the Darndest Things

    A merry heart does good like medicine but a crushed spirit makes the bones dry. Cheerful thoughts certainly influence the way we feel, for the better. I distinctly remember one of my favorite shows back in the 90s, which always made me feel lighter all throughout. This was Bill Cosby’s Kids Say the Darndest Things. The candid, pure and hilarious reactions of the kids on the set would amuse me and even make me laugh. Their child-like views were refreshing and surprisingly, convicting at times. The show would also feature flashbacks of a 1950s variety show called House Party which included a segment with the host, Art LInkletter, catching the kids say the darndest things. They have such an unadulterated view of life.

                Though the show has been off the air for quite sometime, I still have the privilege of hearing the darndest things, as a mother of four. The timing and delivery of our kids’ responses are at times so orchestrated as if they were well-thought of punch lines. Here are some of my favorites that occurred during ages 3 to 5. For those who know me well, you probably can name who among my kids said these things. I hope that it promotes cheerful thoughts adding a little sunshine to your day.

                “Mommy, my tummy has a headache.”

                “V is for Vegas, Lost Vegas.”

                “Mama, why do they have so much hair?” (Referring to the British royal guards)

                “Mom, how does Jesus get the money we give in church?”

"Kuya" means my older brother

                

                Once we were talking about the sad state of the roads in our city. I shared with our 5 year old how the rains and the high volume of cars passing damage the road. She reacted, “Damage? What damage? Then they have to shampoo it!”  (Obviously, affected by hair commercials.)

                “If half of the time he is a good boy and half of the time he is not, then half of him will go to heaven and the other half to hell.”

                While looking at a picture book and naming all that he could, he came upon a picture of a mosquito and identified it, “Dengue.”

                One time our son woke up from his sleep and he told us that someone was calling his name. His dad and I told him about  Samuel who was being called by God in his sleep and to this our son replied, “But the voice is a girl’s!”     

   After finding out that a female friend, who was single, got pregnant, our daughter comments, “She is just like the mom of Anakin (in Star Wars).  She got pregnant by the Force.”

    About Adam & Eve. “Her name is Eve because she did something Eve-il.”

                Once I was speaking to the eldest and ended the discussion by asking, “Get the point?” Then she replied, “Got the point.” Then our 3 year old squeezes in, “Mama, I also want to get a point!”

                “Why did Jesus become cruci-five?”

                One time I gently and honestly shared with my small child that her words were hurting my feelings and she immediately replied, “But I want to hurt your feelings!”

                “I had so much fun in Sunday School. I want to do it again, Mom. Can’t you rewind us?”

    After a 3 day confinement in the hospital and an extended time with my Creator, I resolved to stay home and be more available to my kids. My daughter observes, “Did they experiment on you in the hospital? Cause you're not the same mama anymore.”

   Oh, how these memories and more have successfully put a smile on my face and lightened my load.  Do email me at felichi.buizon@cbnasia .org and share with me the darndest things you have heard from kids to add a bit of sunshine to my day!

               

Finding Fortune in Unfortunate Events

“Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing – but let us encourage one another…” Recently, we experienced an uplifting get-together, when several other couples from our community met for fun, fellowship and food. Our objective was to celebrate with thanksgiving the completion of a project accomplished by prayer and combined efforts of the couples present. It was also an opportunity for us to apply the Sunday message on being thankful.

We asked the group to think of a recent unfortunate event, an unpleasant circumstance or experience that did not turn out the way they wanted.  Then we instructed them to go treasure hunting by reviewing the unfortunate event and searching for things they can still thank God for. We usually give thanks only when good things happen. Are we not instructed to “Give thanks in all circumstances?”  

That evening we had the privilege of enjoying the treasure found by two mothers and a son.

One mother shared how bad news turned into good. A loyal household helper of more than 15 years was devastated when her teen age son, who happened to be a scholar, got an older girl pregnant! Pain of betrayal and broken dreams caused tears to flow from their helper. Her pain was shared by her employers and most specially their teen-age daughters. Their devoted “yaya” was hurting and so were they. This incident became a true-to-life illustration of the dangers of exclusive relationships at a young age, which was just shared to them at church.  “Our pastor was right, mom.”  Their yaya’s sorrow strengthened their resolve to avoid serious relationships at this time to free them from distraction, immorality and unnecessary pain!

To reinforce this principle, another mother shared how a relationship gone sour made her son realize the value of obedience to parents and, God-dependence over independence. As parents, they advised their sons to make a lot of friends in high school and reserve exclusive relationships for later. Their eldest son, however, chose otherwise.  He courted a girl who eventually answered him.  Unfortunately, the relationship went from bad to worse to the boy’s hurt. And also the family’s. Isn’t it when one part of the body is aching, a stubbed toe, a toothache, a migraine… the entire body gets affected?

Though scarred and shaken, her son has learned that choices have consequences, and it is wise to take his parents’ instructions more seriously. Finding an ally in Jesus, her son has found new courage and strength in frequent prayer. For these invaluable lessons, his mom is grateful.

The only male sharer was a son who lost his own mother, who was bed-ridden for the last 30 years, on Mother’s Day.  First and foremost, he was thankful that he had an earlier opportunity to share clearly what Jesus did for her on the cross. Jesus paid her penalty, died that she may live and partake in life everlasting. Her son knew because of his mom’s faith in Jesus, she had passed from death to a new, glorious life. No longer bed-ridden but standing in splendor and free in eternity. Such comfort this truth brings.

Despite the turbulent weather the weekend she died, with all local flights cancelled, he and his wife still managed to have two seats in a bus. Thankfully he was able to join his relatives and experience a meaningful memorial service. There, he heard of how his mom’s uncomplaining attitude amazed and ministered to those who cared for her and visited her. In her weakness, she gave strength to many.  Moreover,   many unexpected and sympathetic friends were deeply moved by the wake service. It was one of the most spiritually uplifting services they attended. Clearly, his precious mom’s death was an instrument to bring Christ’s love and life to many.  What an extraordinary Mother’s Day!

Perhaps like me, you are in the middle of an unpleasant circumstance or a seemingly unfortunate event. Our limited perspective can deceive us from seeing the big picture. Perhaps we need new eyes to see beyond the problem that we may count it all joy.  It is my prayer that as we seek the good in our situation, as we search for hidden treasure and as our hearts and lips give thanks, we will not be disappointed. No testimony without a test. No message without a mess. The Lord promises to grant unexplainable peace and blessing as we chose to trust that He is more than able to work all things out (all includes your perplexing dilemma) for our good in His terms, in His time and for His glory!

Hopeless Scenarios

Does the God of all hope allow us to experience seemingly hopeless situations? Can the abundant life include setbacks and problems? I have heard of countless stories of suffering believers and even personally know some whose journeys with Jesus have been wrought with painful interruptions. My life is no exemption. I distinctly recall specific times in my life when adversity came knocking. They come in different packages, some major and almost traumatic, some annoyingly small. I remember when I was confined in the hospital and my medication was out of stock. Or the time I accompanied a suffering loved one in the ICU. Or the time my water bag broke on the weekend my doctor had a seminar out of town. Ever get a flat tire with two little kids in tow in a remote subdivision? Or the time my husband and I were to speak on Parenting but we had some friction between us. Ha! We still needed to gel our thoughts together. How?   Oh, how I wanted to be part of the audience that day. Frustration levels are high. Inadequacy and insecurity are just around the corner. Despair lurks, taunting, ready to pounce, given the chance.

Setbacks cause initial disorientation. Seeking refuge in Scripture has proven effective in helping me gain back the right orientation. Why? Where else can you find countless examples of believers who experienced adversities far more complex than my list of setbacks? One cannot miss the personal pain and betrayal as Joseph is rejected and sold by his own brothers in the book of Genesis. I encountered terror and injustice when Daniel was thrown into the den of hungry lions. How about physical intimidation as Herod arrests Peter and assigns four squads of 4 soldiers each to hold Peter in prison? 16 to 1! He actually slept beside them! Seemingly hopeless, if one walks by sight and focuses on what is before them, but if one responds in faith, each scenario turns into a crucial moment ripened for God’s intervention.

I marvel at how the injustices Joseph experienced in the hands of his own family, and the false accusations in Egypt were necessary evils that brought him to where Pharaoh could find him. Though Joseph may have been unaware, God was at work even in the darkest hours of his life. In his very words in Genesis 50:20 As for you, you meant to harm me, ¹  but God intended it for a good purpose, so he could preserve the lives of many people, as you can see this day. ²    

Daniel’s divine preservation in the den of lions was a testimony to the awesome might of His Shield and Protector---a testimony that influenced the reigning King Darius to get rid of corrupt officials in government and to establish a new decree that directed all to fear and revere Daniel’s God who endures forever! From horrifying to glorifying!!

Peter’s baffling escape from prison validates the presence of ministering angels sent by God. How God is able to penetrate the strongest of defenses magnifies His omnipotence and authority. Peter’s subsequent reunion with praying believers declares the power of group intercession. What a mighty God we serve!

The bible says that our Lord is the same yesterday, today and forever. If He was able to transform the trials and testing of Joseph, Daniel and Peter back then, He is just as able today.  

When my medicine was out of stock in the hospital and neighboring drugstores, my husband happened to have a patient then who worked in a pharmaceutical company. When he found out about my need, he sent a bag of samples, the exact amount in my prescription plus one. I still keep that extra capsule in a memory box that reminds me of the timely provision that prompted us to praise the Great Provider.

When I cared for a loved one in the ICU, it was emotionally difficult to watch their pain but it was also an opportunity to extend God’s tenderness and comfort. What a privilege to see the patient calm down when songs of praise are sung. What a privilege to be able to say a quiet prayer as the patient is examined and tested and then, rejoice in immediate answers. I discovered his subconscious and anxious thoughts as a side effect of the medicine prompting me to share God’s healing Word and point the patient to Jesus who will give him peace and rest.

When I was rushed to the hospital for our youngest child, I was concerned that my doctor was out of town. What a relief to receive her assuring text that she was able to find a ride back from her seminar and therefore would be able to deliver our baby. When I saw her at the delivery room, I thanked the Lord for providing a ride for her and she shared with much amusement, “I hitched with your pediatrician!”

When I get a flat tire or the car stalls, the first thing I do is pray. Admittedly, I know little about cars. When I am with my kids, we end up praying. Once, I took out the tools needed to change the tire (that much I know) in preparation for the one who would eventually change it. And as we asked in prayer, we were given. Seeing our dilemma, a passerby came to our rescue. Thank God, our Keeper, for helping hands.

                We were to speak on parenting but we had a parenting dilemma. We had nowhere to leave our children that weekend so they ended up joining us in the seminar. Though the hotel room was spacious, it was difficult to concentrate on fine-tuning our message with all four kids roaming about. It was chaotic! Panic set in and we were getting on each other’s nerves. All I could manage was a desperate whisper, “Lord, help!” True to His promise as our immediate help in times of trouble, there was a knock on our door. It was another speaker couple who just learned that their daughter was to arrive that evening from out of town and they wanted to spend time with her. Their hotel room, adjacent to ours, would be available for our children to use. I felt like a stressed balloon that just began to deflate. As soon as they left, I knelt down in shame for panicking, confessed and thanked God for His forgiveness and grace. When I shared the news with my husband, we were led to pray together to our Abba Father, cleaving and weaving, in preparation for our task ahead.

Proverbs says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick…” Are you experiencing major challenges to your health, your relationships, your careers, ministries, even, finances? All these can take its toll on us, but as we turn our weariness to God, His sustaining strength takes over. It is He who transforms us from grumbling and stumbling to walking victoriously, and trusting the second half of the verse in Proverbs that says, “but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.”  God is able to deliver us in His time and in His terms. That is why Paul confidently says, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

Faithful Father

When I was about to turn 18, I developed a dull pain in my abdomen and as the tenderness increased, concentrating on the left side, symptoms pointed to appendicitis. I recall how I hardly slept due to the pain and how I was not able to hold anything I ate, so my Dad decided to bring me to the hospital. Though I was distressed, I was relieved to be with Dad. Dad was at his element during emergencies. Time and again, he has demonstrated his love and commitment to my 8 siblings and I, especially, in our time of need.

We arrived at what looked to me more like an infirmary rather than a hospital. It was out of my comfort zone and though I felt ill at ease, I resigned to tolerate my surroundings, besides; my Dad personally assisted me out of the car, into a wheelchair and directed us gently inside.  Either the hospital was under renovation or they just did not have a lift service, I needed to walk up two flights of stairs. Without sleep, nauseous and in pain, that was no longer a simple task. I resisted at first, and I also tried to rely on my own strength, but my Dad firmly held on to me and instructed me to put my weight on him. So I did. I could not have made it to the second floor without Dad’s firm grip and support, climbing with me, one step at a time. Though I was in pain, I was moving—onward and upward. His strength enabled me to do what I thought I could not.

Soon I was comfortably lying in a hospital bed being prepped up for surgery. I was no longer afraid knowing Dad was there, in charge, assuring and inspiring hope. I realized that the surgeon on duty was my Dad’s friend and he was confident that the doctor was more than capable of taking care of my situation. In hindsight, as a parent myself, I would only entrust my child to someone who has gained my confidence and trust.

After the appendectomy, I woke up from surgery with instructions to eat a soft diet and not to laugh to keep the stitches in place. The former was not a problem with my Dad who loves to eat. He was there to welcome me when I woke up from surgery with hot chicken mami noodle soup from our favorite MaMonluk restaurant. But the latter, “not to laugh” was rather tricky. Dad is a fan of Charlie Chaplin, and even when he is not making me laugh, he can make me smile and giggle. That time, he brought our antique movie projector so that I could enjoy old family movies while recovering. How can one watch old family movies and not laugh? This was his loving attempt to bring home away from home and to distract me from the pain. He had not meant to trigger the pain of the stitches but I did not mind at all. I treasured that sunny moment so much more, to even mind the soreness on my side.

My dad filled my emotional tank during that episode in my life such that two weeks after, I celebrated my 18^th birthday with a bang. Instead of the usual cotillion, as I love to sing, we staged a mini-concert. Dad’s love gave me the confidence to shine and make him proud and happy.

Sharing a fun moment with my Dad

            

              That was over 20 years ago and as I relive that memory, I thank Dad for an experience that now points me to an even greater love---that of our Lord’s, our Heavenly Father. He has and continues to hold my hand as I go through painful and uncertain seasons. He calls me to trust and put the full weight of my concerns on Him—casting every care. He promises to be there, in both the highs and lows of life, taking each step with me, whispering words of encouragement and comfort with occasional dashes of humor. Why fear these seasons in my life, when He who is faithful, leads me? Always present, in-charge, assuring and inspiring hope—I am blessed to have an Abba Father.

Each Child A Gift

Our youngest then was six years old when I found out I was pregnant with our third child. I must confess that I was not prepared for the news. Our eldest was a girl and youngest was a boy. Female and male. In my mind, our family was complete. I thought I was done with nightshifts, diapers and yayas. I was slender and active and the thought of growing big and slowing down was unwelcome. As a home schooling mom, it was rewarding to see our second child reading after years of teaching phonics. With a baby in my womb, it looks like my love affair with phonics was not over. I struggled to accept my circumstance but felt totally rebuked when I shared the news with my children.

I could still see the look of utter delight when they found out that a sibling was in the making. They wanted to broadcast the news to one and all. I confess I wanted them to delay the announcement and that’s when I realized, “Look at you. Even your children know better. They agree with God that children are a blessing!” In the Psalms it says, “Behold children are a gift from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is His reward.” I got convicted. Is this the way to treat a gift? Especially coming from One who knows and loves us best! Is this the way to respond to a reward? My children did know better. They were ecstatic and thankful and just itching to tell the world. As I spent some time praying, I realized that my thoughts were focused on my kingdom and not His – my plans, and not His. I asked God to forgive me for my selfishness, my anxious thoughts and for failing to trust in His bigger plan. I also apologized to the baby in my womb for the initial rejection I expressed.

It has been 10 years since that time and the Lord has, over and over again, shown me that indeed, our second daughter, Kathlyn Laura, is a gift – one to unfold and delight in. Let me share how this gift has been a tremendous blessing.

1              Her childlike insights reveal to us what God is like.

We noticed her compassion for the hurting each time she would watch a show on TV or on video and her tears would fall when a character would encounter disappointment or opposition. Even if the character was a villain!  Even at the age of three, she was already very sensitive to the moods of others. Once she asked me, “Why are you sad, Mom?” I was frustrated because I could not locate an important document. Then she sweetly offered, “I will get you happiness, ok?” Another time, I prayed for a 7 year old boy that was paralyzed and her response was, “I like to be Jerome’s friend.”  Recently, her younger brother misplaced his wallet in the cinema and was so upset with his loss then she quietly and generously offered him a bigger amount to replace what was lost. Compassionate One.

2              Her responses to God’s truth serve to confirm God’s leading.

Since Kathlyn began to read, one of the first books she read was her Children’s Bible. When she was done with that she asked if she could now read the bible with no pictures. I was hesitant at first but I remembered Jesus words, “Let the little children come to Me.” So I let her. As she read the book of Numbers, I heard her comment, “I don’t like the Israelites anymore. They are so annoying.” I found it amusing and convicting because I was struggling in the area of keeping a cheerful spirit in the midst of multiple inconvenient situations. Her comment tickled me and at the same time pierced me. God was displeased with a grumbling spirit and this was a gentle reminder to see things through His eyes and stay grateful.

3              She taught me once how to respond to God’s discipline.

We believe in loving and disciplining our children. There was one time that I needed to discipline her. After reminding her of the Lord’s example that He too disciplines those He loves, and as we shared a quiet embrace, she whispered, “Thank you, Mom for loving me.” Do I respond the same way when I experience God’s correction in my life?

4              God used her startling temperament to teach us to listen.

When our daughter could not get what she wanted, she would be difficult and very expressive. She was able to clearly express how she felt when she was distressed. “I don’t like my Mama. I want her to go to another house.” Some of her attacks would even rhyme, “I want you to meet a stranger and be in danger!”  I recall sharing with my daughter how her strong words hurt my feelings and she quickly replied, “But I want to hurt your feelings!” Now, where is all that coming from? As I researched about words, I realized that these were Kathlyn’s 3 year old way of saying something else. It was a symptom. The idea was to draw out the root cause. As I prayed and read, prayed and researched, I learned about effective ways of acknowledging how a child feels. How active listening and clarifying makes a big difference when your child is sharing with you. I understood that kids are learning how to express themselves and discovered practical ways to engage them in conversation to make a constructive connection. I began to apply what I learned with all four kids and experienced amazing results. I was learning to understand when Kathlyn felt neglected, overlooked or harassed and she found less and less reason to speak negatively. What once was a mess became a message. Soon I was sharing my discoveries to other parents and to larger audiences.

5              God uses her courageous attitude to strengthen us.

                One Sunday, I accompanied her to the restroom of a mall. She insisted that I leave her so I can get water to drink. I told her that I could not leave her alone in that place and she replied, “I am not alone. God is with me.” (She is one brave little lady.) But I explained to her that God would not want me to leave her in a place where she should be with an adult. Then she asked, “Why? Is God having a hard time taking care of us?” Such insight! It was also convicting for uncertain me who needs to be reminded that God is able. Gratefully, I was able to respond by reminding her that there are times the Lord assigns people to do His will, even if He does not need any of us.

                By the way, she was also the one who convinced me to face my fear and try out zip lining! Her boldness is contagious.  

             Recalling and sharing her stories, is my way of thanking God for our precious gift. And there are more stories to tell plus more to unfold!! May we all regard our children the way God does and have the pleasure of being blessed, over and over.

Heavenly Hugs

Motherhood has many joys such as magic moments when you make a warm and meaningful connection with your child, but there is a greater joy attached to this role---the countless times God shares a magic moment with me. These times I fondly call, “heavenly hugs”. It is when out of the blue, the ways and nature of God are magnified by my everyday experience as a mom.

One of the first heavenly hugs I received was when I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Because everything was unfamiliar and I could not see what was happening inside of me, and I was firmly instructed to bed rest then, it was easy to get paranoid and entertain one fear after another. Then I remembered the lyrics of a song, “Even the darkness is light to Him, the night is as bright as the day…” Our Maker is able to handle whatever it is that is going on in the darkness of my womb. Lights are unnecessary in a womb factory, for the All-Seeing God can work wonders even in the dark. What my eyes cannot see, He can. What I cannot control, He can. That truth was a reassuring hug that gave me peace.

When our firstborn arrived, I recall that magic moment when I held her in my arms and felt such an overwhelming love for her. Instantly, I felt like a protective shield around her as I carried her close to me. It was a wave of emotion that subsided but was so quickly replaced and threatened by a tsunami of inadequacy! Can I really mother this child when I still feel like a child? Then a heavenly tug came to my rescue, pulling me out from the rising waters of uncertainty. “Take hold of the love you have for your child and multiply it by infinity. Felichi, I love your daughter more than you ever can.” That must have been one of the first group hugs Our Creator, my child and I shared.

In Tagalog, we call it “nangingilala”. The stage when a baby expresses disapproval when put in the hands of someone unfamiliar. From pleasant smiles to restless whimpers that quickly subside when the baby is returned to family. As I observed my daughters quiet ease in the hands of her dad, it mirrored to me the solution to my own restlessness. Another song goes, “Teach us to trust in You with all of our hearts; to lean not on our own understanding…” Stop taking things into my own hands and instead, choose to entrust them in the hands of Him who made me and knows me so well.

How about the everyday joy of simply watching your growing child eat, eat, eat? Similarly, our Father in heaven is pleased when we feed our spirit with the word of God. Just as we want our children to grow healthy, so does God want our Spirit to strengthen-- not only be willing, but able to overcome. That, for me, was an inspiring hug to pursue what pleases God.

 I am ever grateful to the Lord for all these heavenly hugs—times that have assured me of God’s constant, loving Presence in our journey as moms. Let me end with this poignant memory.

I remember the time my 3 year old son got separated from me in the grocery. Oh, how that boy cried, “MAMA!” As soon as I heard his cry, I knew it was my son. I immediately dropped what I was doing, and hastened to find our lost, distressed boy. I wanted to find him, calm him, and hold him, all at the same time. Soon we were reunited and it was such a big relief to us both. As we shared a comforting hug, the joy was doubled as I pictured our Great Shepherd, in all urgency, seeking and pursuing His lost sheep. He hears their cries. He longs to rescue them and will not stop til He brings them home. “As a mother comforts his child, so will I comfort you,” says the Lord. 

No Longer Outside the "Kulambo"

The “kulambo” is a mosquito net that prevents bites while one sleeps. It is a large net that is hung to encompass the entire bed. “Outside the kulambo” is a Taglish (combination of Tagalog and English) expression given to a man who has been banished by his wife from their bed. Usually this is because she is displeased with something he did. There is, however, a similar displacement of the man   when a baby is born into the family. Back when marital beds were not so wide, since newborns had to be breastfed, there would no longer be enough space for daddy. Naturally, he would have to move out of the net to sleep elsewhere. Initially, it may seem like a convenient response but it can get out of hand. There is an alarming tendency for this displacement to influence other areas where the husband or wife used to take priority.

I remember how my husband and I decided to postpone getting pregnant for a year or two so that we can adjust to each other as husband and wife. An older couple advised us to be students of one another first before taking care of another life, and as we look back, we are thankful for the wisdom of that. We gained much from waiting. We learned to adjust to each other’s schedules, had the luxury of travelling light, enjoyed each other without distractions, invested in building friendships with others as a couple, freely discussed issues without interruption and with no audience around. Those first two years reinforced our belief that after our relationship with God, the second most important relationship is with our spouse. We were able to make enough deposits in each other’s emotional bank accounts that will spare us from the full impact of withdrawals when the baby arrives.

True enough, when our firstborn arrived, we were quite overwhelmed by the change that brought. During a vacation, upon arrival at the venue, after the ingress of all our baby’s needs, a friend chuckled, “It’s a wonder how they are born with nothing…”  Suddenly a crib’s beside the master’s bed, a huge playpen takes the place of the center table, a stroller occupies the entire trunk, a bath tub eats up shower space, breastmilk fills up freezer space, and on and on. It is like an invasion. One seems to be left with no choice but to pay attention.

What you focus on, expands. That’s what happened. I got distracted with breastfeeding and attending to our daughter’s needs that my eyes were no longer on the Blesser but on the blessing. Like they say, when our vertical relationship wanes (God and me), our horizontal relationships (Me and others) get affected. And in this case, it impinged on my relationship with my husband. Our weekly dates dwindled, finding greater fulfillment with our firstborn. When we did go out, she was the topic. I would often let the baby sleep in between us when I could very well transfer her to her crib.  I recall how I would personally choose the wardrobe of the child, lay them out in advance and check if the baby bag was complete before an outing. I never offered to do those things for my husband thinking that he could take care of himself! So there were times when Mommy and baby were ready but Daddy was not. All these little choices put together was a potential threat to our relationship. It was eating away at God’s original intention for my husband and me to take priority. It was time to make a change. As I look back, I thank God for giving me a very patient husband. He never complained and simply let God’s Spirit bring me to my senses. God used circumstances around me to point out my distraction.

God used the separation and crises of a couple married for almost 40 years to warn me.  If I continue prioritizing my child, what will our marriage be like in the future? This couple became strangers to one another because they focused on raising their kids, instead of building their relationship. Now their children were all grown and gone. When our own nest is empty, will our hearts still be full? Am I making the deposits I should in our marriage that will make us look forward to growing old together?

God used a seminar called Blueprint of Marriage, to remind me of His priorities. The female speaker asked, “Who do you prioritize when you plan the menu? Your husband or you child?” “How often do you intercede for your husband? For your child?” Rebuked and repentant, I moved from being distracted to being directed. God’s direction for every wife is to put her husband first. And, I confidently include this, for every husband, to put the wife first. No longer “outside the kulambo” but together.

So what are practical ways by which we can live out God’s design for marriage?

Be alert. Take note of both major and minor requests made. When my husband asks me to attend to something, from planning an event to mending a shirt, I note it down and include it among my top “to do’s” for the day. The usual tendency is for me to tackle the urgent things, and postpone the once that matter to my spouse but at the end of the day, I feel lacking. However, when I give him priority, strangely, I feel accomplished, like I did what I was made to do.

Identify your spouse’s love language. Dr. Gary Chapman in his book, “Love Languages” identifies five ways a person experiences love. Some feel loved when they are served, some, when they receive gifts. Some appreciate being verbally affirmed, others, tenderly touched and others, when given quality time. I recall how my husband and I had a love language conflict during our early years because I was giving him gifts and affirming him when he was actually needy of my pampering and service. He, on the other hand, was serving me, when I was expecting him to bring me shopping!! We discovered through the years that love languages evolve and being aware of our spouse’s language, enables us to care more effectively.

A date a week. Make plans to spend time together, just you and your spouse. Agree not to discuss domestic concerns and just have a restful time having fun and enjoying each other. It helps to list down things you like doing together (and things you like doing apart or solo) so you can plan better. Or plan to ask each other discovery questions like: What do you enjoy most about your life right now? If you were invisible for a day, what would you do? What are three things you would like to do before your next birthday?


No serious discussions after nine. A writer once said that when you get married, you permanently complicate your life. Funny, but true. With so many complications, it will help if you get enough rest and enough sleep. Avoiding serious discussions after 9pm help us get better rest at night. There are exceptions at times, but this general rule has definitely helped us postpone some discussions and protect us from late night conflicts.


Attending Couple Seminars. Like the car, our relationship needs a tune up every now and then for better mileage. We decided to get involved in the couple’s community in our church. We have had the privilege to attend and to serve in yearly couple’s seminars that allow us to review God’s design for marriage. We also enjoy learning from other couples. If you can’t do this regularly, it would be good to have other couple friends, fellow travelers to encourage each other in the right way.

These are just some of the many ideas on how to nourish your marriage. And the key is to keep at it. I am still a work in progress and so is my husband. And we recognize that marriage needs nurturing. As they say, no pain, no gain. Staying married is definitely a greater challenge than getting married but with God’s guidance and enabling, we can look forward to a lasting marriage “ inside the kulambo”.